When I walked into my house yesterday, the quiet and familiarity were fat and warm. For the next seven nights I live here. That is comforting, and necessary for me right now. It's about being around my things. It's being in the space I've created, the nest I've built. It's the dent in the couch that fits my rear. It's not comforting to be away from my mother, no not at all. But the comfort of my life within these walls, surrounded by air and scents my own, linens of my choice, photos of my family, my friends, hanging above years-ago-puppy-accident-and-territorial-dog-stained carpet. I can take care of her, I can. I cannot take care of her if I lose myself. And lately, I admit that fragile is a word I can use to describe myself.
I can name the bad habits of escape I choose. Another white t-shirt, really? Another pair of shoes? Do they comfort me, do I sleep with them? No. Do they make anything at all better? No. Does the control I feel to choose feel good to me? Absolutely. Life happens to you. What you do with it is your choice. Same for a drink too many or an hour too late. Same for the focus at work. Work as escape. Tricky stuff. I've got my finger on it. Funny how the mind works. To say I can't save her so I spend money is to spew the ridiculous. To say I want, need, crave some control. Not so ridiculous.
What of the guilt of wanting five minutes alone? What of the guilt in taking that? The berating and horrible inner voice. Why does self-hate appear as control falls? And why the need to control when I know full well that we cannot control what goes on around us, only how we react, only the path?
I'm tired. I'm tired of worry and I'm tired of details. I'm tired of my dreams and I'm tired of my actions. I'm tired of spoon-feeding and the role reversal. I'm tired of not feeling strong, hopeful, positive. I'm tired of waking up and finding this sadness still with me. I'm tired of this realization that the more I fight it, the harder its grip.
2 comments:
because even though we are told that control is an illusion, we are still taught to take charge, to become the masters of our destiny, to be in control of ourselves.
like ive said, you have to take time for yourself. even a prize fighter gets a breather every three minutes.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel tired at a time like this. I'm glad you have a few days of R&R.
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