Monday, February 12, 2007

If you could read this

Today is your birthday. Today is also the fourth day that I've been able to do little more than cry. Sleep is elusive, eating impossible. Friends are worried about me. One says to me on the phone, you're not coping. It's true. I'm not dealing with this with any sort of success at all. She pleads with me to go see a doctor, ask him for something to help me through this. I don't want to medicate myself but also can't stand the weight of the pain, the feeling of hopelessness. On the way to the doctor, I cried at the irony of it all. You got off medicine when you were here because you were happy and could think clearly, and now that you're gone, I'm being urged to get on something. Bittersweet irony, that one.

You left me to fix what you left behind when you came to me. When you returned, you broke me. I don't want to be broken. That you love me now or still, and miss me now, only saddens me deeper. You are not here and you will not be here again. Friends ask me how I know that, and I tell them it's the truth, I know. I will not see you again.

Right now, I sit here in the deafening silence of this house that was just so recently filled with our voices, laughter, touch, happiness. Our togetherness. Right now, it's as empty as I am. I just don't know what to do.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You continue.
You do what you can today and know that it's enough. You do what you have to do to make it through the day and into another. You cry. You scream. Eventually, you sleep. You cry some more.
But, all the while, you place one foot in front of the other and just keep going. Every inch forward is progress and every inch not lost is a worthy goal for the day.

This pain, I understand all too well, Alison. The greatest joy and saddest tradgedy is that you will, somehow, manage to live through it. And you will be different on the other side.

Unknown said...

It seems depression is all around me right now and I hurt to see you and the others hurting. I wish there were something I could do to help but realize there isn't. Only time will heal. But maybe it will help to know that you have people thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

you wre right. february does suck. thoughts and prayers, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Alison, you DO know what to do - you are doing it - you put one foot in front of the other. Do the next right thing. Time passes. My thoughts are with you. We've all been there.