Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My garden, my life

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My yard is about the only thing that is keeping my feet on the ground, so to speak. I've found that gardening, or any type of yard work really, helps keep my mind balanced by keeping me close to the earth. It gets me out of my head and connects me with life outside of my own, and it's good for me because I can successfully take care of my yard, whereas there is much in my life that I am struggling with taking care of. In my yard, I can see the results of my work (presently blooming and doing well). Life, on the otherhand, moves a bit slower. In my yard, weeds, antbeds, etc., while mentally symbolic of life's problems, are much easier to address and resolve. Still, working in my yard reminds me that I have some power over my troubles.

It's an obvious connection: gardens / life. What am I planting in my life? What am I planting in the lives of my loved ones? I know that my words will either plant flowers or weeds in our lives. I am trying to plant flowers, not weeds. I'm fairly good at that. I know that my actions are for the most part planting positive. What of my decisions though? Some decisions we cannot know for a long time into the future whether or not they are the right ones. Decisions like that faced me today.

We've made the decisions and while I believe they are the right ones, I do not have that accompanying feeling of, well, feeling good about it. Perhaps because even though we had to make decisions today, we really had no choice. We've been backed into a corner and that's why I don't feel good about the decisions. I don't feel good about being forced into the position of having to make them. In fact, I feel pretty sick to my stomach about that. I've had to realize that no matter how much good I've tried to plant, there are internal and external circumstances beyond my control, and also much larger and more powerful than my influence. And yet, what to do has fallen squarely in our hands because something has to be done while something can be done. And something will be done - we've made sure of that. I'm left now to hope and pray that like my little yard, the results will be positive.

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