If you've seen a grass fire, then you know that when one fire is smothered, another can break out in a different place. It's impossible to perceive what will happen next, or where. I can liken that to what my life has been like the past three years, seemingly running from one emergency to the next, chasing solutions like a ghost through a fog.
So perhaps it's not odd at all that over the past several weeks, without the grass fires, I've been getting reaquainted with myself. The juggling has ceased, the urgency has ceased, the worry and the running have ceased, the grueling emotions have ceased. While I do mourn my mother, there are enormous parts of my mind and heart that are no longer spinning and chasing and struggling, and that has opened my mind and my time to my own life.
Right now, I am experiencing me. It's an interesting discovery, this process of seeing who I am with this newfound time in my day and space in my mind, this time where the recipient of my strength is my own self.
5 comments:
...and a very worthy recipient at that!
every now and again i am hit with a sudden sense of me and who i am. im always surprised because im not the same person i was the last time i became aware of who i am.
Alison, I was hoping this would happen for you. I didn't want to say anything, lest my comments seem in any way disrespectful, but care-givers forget how hard that is and what a relief it can be to get out from under that weight. I'm sure it was a weight you were more than happy to bear, but, still, it was a weight on your life.
When I was growing up, a lot of our lives as a family were defined by taking care of an ailing grandmother, who lived with us. When she passed on, our whole idea of who we were changed. And, I think my parents felt just a smidgeon of guilt about the relief they felt at being freed from that responsibility.
Well, enjoy redefining yourself. It's a rare opportunity.
Alison, You are so deserving of this time. I'm sure your pup appreciates more time and a more relaxed mom. Enjoy!
It's wonderful to know you're feeling calmer and more relaxed after being stressed out for so long. I hope you'll be as kind to yourself as you were to your mom and the others who have needed your attention. You deserve some pampering and some peace of mind.
Post a Comment