Recovering from loss of a parent is a process and it takes time. Having gone through this before does not qualify me as better prepared. In fact, I've discovered that everything blurs, memories are not separated and the feeling of loss doubles. Grieving takes place in the heart, not the head. I'm not thinking my way through my grief as much as I am feeling my way through it. I'm not manipulating my feelings but allowing them and working with them. It takes time to locate how I feel, permit my feelings to surface and then deal with them, give them life, voice, time. At any given moment, I feel despondent, bereft, isolated, frightened and inadequate. Sometimes I feel relieved, and even thankful. And then, I feel guilty. While I understand there are no wrong or right feelings and that all are part of heeling, my heart is crowded and heavy.
A part of my life came to an end in January. And a part of my life began. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that.
2 comments:
I hope it's some small comfort knowing that the two of them are together again, but I don't imagine losing a parent is something one really gets "over". It seems more like something one gets more used to. I imagine it's a complete change in the way one feels about, well, everything.
It's always hard to adjust to a new reality. I suspect that the more you get to know and understand yourself, the more you'll also understand about your parents. At least that's the way it was for me, and I'm grateful it's turned out that way.
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