Sunday, September 11, 2005

They make movies out of this stuff, and the movies make people scream

My friend tells me I'm to blame. I shake my head at her. I'm not talking about it to find blame, I'm talking about it to find understanding. But what she says is exactly indicative of why this has my head spinning in the first place. So I argue back. I am not responsible for someone else's emotions, not responsible for what they deny or lie about, to themselves or me. She says I should have known better. She says everybody knew. Perhaps she's right. But what would it have stopped? And how accountable are you if you believe what someone says? Are you to blame if the truth is not theirs?

As much as this hurts me, and it hurts like hell, the saddest thing is not that I've lost a friend, but waking up and realizing that what I thought was there, never was. I turn my head back to the past and question everything, review it, doubt its origins. What have I learned? I've learned that some people use niceness and generosity to work their way into your life because they want something from you, and just because you don't see those strings it does not mean they aren't there. I've learned that it's very difficult to keep your sanity when it's all tallied and thrown back at you.

I realize how strange the world is when what I thought was a friendship in reality was a game of fantasy, ownership and territory. I have cried my eyes out today, because it is a sad sad thing to learn and I'd rather not know firsthand that there are people out there who will manipulate you in hopes of changing the way you feel. And that they'll do it in the guise of friendship.

There are times when I hate this world. This is one of them.

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