I'm tired. I'm sure that's no surprise but I really am tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to go through this on my own. And I'm tired of realizing that I cannot. I'm tired of reaching out. I'm tired of hesitating to reach out. I'm tired of being vulnerable. And I'm tired of being vulnerable in front of the wrong people. I'm real tired of being susceptible to friends by history but not present who really couldn't bother to blink my way much less ask, How are you? I'm tired of paying the price of friends extending themselves to me and, knowing better, taking that comfort but ultimately watching them moments later have to answer for the attention paid. I'm so tired of it.
I don't want to be a wounded bird because this is my first Christmas without my father. I don't present that I'm that way.
I'm tired of knowing the noose of grief. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm a burden because I've lost my father and that has changed me. I can't help but know it every minute, and I can't help but feel that I am the wrong color in the painting.
I'm tired of understanding and extending and making excuses for people. I'm tired of seeing the lack of return. I'm tired of trying to be convenient, of trying to fit in. I'm real tired of bending.
I'm tired of needing and I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of not asking.
No, no. I'm fine. Really, I am.
4 comments:
Alison, I don't pretend to know the pain you're feeling. Nor, why friends and family aren't much comfort to you. But, I understand grief. There is nothing to do but hold on and live through it, just as you are doing. There's a book that might help called On Death And Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It talks about the stages of grief and ways of coping that have helped others. It may not be of use to you, but it helped me to know and understand the cycle of grief I was going through.
Hang on. Don't let the emotions overwhelm you. Take it one day at a time. And, above all, remember to just keep breathing.
Seriously, when you get those quiet times that it seems like it's all too much? Take a slow, deep breath, hold it for a second, and let it out just as slowly. Repeat until the worst has past.
Anything I can do to help, just let me know. I feel your pain.
I hear you and feel the strength, dignity, and suffering of your words.
Can we be tired together, have a lazy lunch, watch Rent and belt the words to the songs in the middle of the theatre.
Caffeine pills don't fix tired and they don't mend emotions. You can borrow my sweatshirt.
I've been looking for sooo long to express those same words. Thank you, my friend. I'm still tired and it's been 8 years. You are not alone...EVER. Until you live it, you haven't a clue. What I can tell you is that it does get easier; never goes away - but gets easier. Don't run from it - embrace it and let yourself BE tired. Network Geek is absolutely right...breathe. Meditation saved my life.
NG - Thank you for your words. I've read the book, along with many others on grief. The worst of that episode has passed and I'm breathing better now.
Sass - Great gesture. I'm wearing the sweatshirt. Let me know when you need it back.
D - Thank you. Wednesday night with you will be good for me though.
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