A lesson in world history, or how every now and then someone emails me something that I actually find amusing

Every now and then someone forwards me something that I find funny. Those times are few and far between, however, because I have discovered over the years - as I'm sure you have discovered as well - that in reality there are only about 20 jokes that cross the internet and many friends have very short memories and therefore do not remember the first 99 times they read something and forwarded it on to me because they thought it was funny (or were threatened with bad luck, no wishes, no good fortune, the wrath of God, or what have you, if they did not forward within the next five to seven minutes to their entire address book with bonus points after the first seven people).

My friend Carrie just forwarded me a gem I had not seen before. I wrote her back and told her that I thought it was the best thing anyone has ever forwarded me in the entire history of my email usage. I cannot locate the original writer of this so cannot give credit. Carrie also sent her partner the piece, and her partner wrote back to say that she ought to slap us both. So, although the author doesn't get any credit here, he or she apparently does get to avoid being slapped by a seething, red-eyed liberal who does not appreciate the tables being turned on her. (Necessary side note: For those who don't know my friend, what I just did - the seething red-eyed liberal... bit - is equivalent in foolishness to putting your head in a guillatine, or stepping in front of a moving train, or trying to get Cheyenne to move over just an inch when she's hogging the bed at night. So I need to wave a white flag right here and say to her, Just kidding, even though I know it won't stop retaliation.)

Anyway, the piece is titled, Lessons in World History. Read on.

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer, and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie-men."

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note about liberals: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: A Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.

Depending on who you are, the above will either make you smile, or make you want to raise your left hand and start slapping.