At a paid professional's suggestion, I'm reading a book on self-esteem, something I am apparently lacking in large amounts. Normally when I read any sort of book, outside of fiction, that I can in any way relate to, I do so with a highlighter in hand, shading in pink the string of words that either interest me, enlighten me, or that I recognize within myself.
I'm on page 55 of my prescriptive book and I can tell you that there's a lot of pink on the pages. A lot of pink that makes me see that there's a lot of work to do.
If I want to get out of the pink.
That's okay to know, because it shows me I'm on the right path, but it's hard to write, that the truth is I recognize myself in the pink.
Specific details are historic and personal, but tonight I lived why I am still highlighting.
I'm going to shift perspective for you.
You try. You try to sit unaffected when someone you love tells you that your love is not enough. Because that person wants more, different, more than you can offer, more than your truth (other than your truth). Persuasive attempts begin. The familiar argument begins. You hear that what you feel is not enough, not good enough, not enough enough. What you feel, what you have to offer, no matter, it's not enough. Seriously, sit still and listen to that. The words you are hearing say that everything you have to give is just short of enough.
No matter what you feel, what you want, you fail. Just short.
Now, look at all the places in your life where, try as you might, you cannot find a way to make a difference, all the people you love and want to save, if not at least reach, all the tools you have? Not enough.
Pink.
Listen to not enough. Try to explain the value of what you do feel, of what you can offer. Try. Watch the eyes of someone you love tell you that your love is not enough.
Got it? Okay then, now tell me how much pink your book would have.
4 comments:
Alison, when I think of you, the first picture that comes to my mind is not of the blonde girl I met one time many years ago. Instead, I picture your father's face when he spoke of you. Since I only knew him in a business setting, there wasn't a lot of discussion about family, but I remember clearly that the times he mentioned you, there was love and light in his eyes and a soft smile on his face. I know without a doubt that you were more than enough for him. If someone else fails to appreciate what you have to offer, perhaps the problem is theirs, not yours.
alison, you can drown yourself in this sort of thought. trust me. i watched my first marriage disintigrate because i was never "good enough," nothng i did ever was. and i wallowed in the idea that no matter what i was never going to be good enough. but you know, it wasnt me that wasnt good enough. it was everyone else's messed up expectations of life. somehow i became the one responsible for making all of their dreams come true when they were not willing to move themselves toward accomplishing the dream for themselves.
the idea is that, you have to be satisfied with yourself. you. no one else matters. its taken me so long to learn this. so much heart ache and doubt and worry to finally get the idea that, pink or blue or black as sin, i am beautiful and brilliant in a way no one else on earth is.
and so are you, my friend.
Ha! My book would be printed on pink paper! Well, not so much any more, but, certainly, there was a time...
About two years ago, my life was falling apart, splitting at the seams, because I couldn't do enough to satisfy the people I'd chosen. In many ways, I'm worse off now than I was then. Painfully single, woefully behind on everything, drowning in debt. But, somehow, I feel better about it all. Oh, I'm fairly certain I know all the reasons, but that's something I keep to myself these days.
Though, if anyone was interested enough to ask me directly, I could tell them why. Quietly.
Go easy, Alison. Everything changes, in time.
I agree with all of the above. You may be thinking pink but someone else is thinking purple and no matter what you say they will have their own perceptions. Roll with it and let them think what they want. You know the truth and shouldn't feel guilty or that you aren't doing enough.
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