I could take this opportunity to wrap a rope around my neck. I could take this opportunity to pray in gratitude for the challenges I face that give me wisdom and strength. I could take it to set an example and lead the way. Or I could take it and preserve it in sacred thread and save for the dawn of a future moment.
I could take it and be less than I am, or more than I know how to be. Meaning, I could take it to shrink or stretch.
I could deny the moment and put it away, or breathe life into now and expand it for hours, days, the whole of my life.
That's the gist of the lessons I'm learning. The knowledge is obvious, but how or even if to act, that's not as clear.
I'll tell you something, there's a weight to this, a burden. It tires. It's not the brand of tired that a vacation cures. It's not the flavor of tired that sleep resolves. It is the color of tired that wonders day in and day out how it got to be this way and looks around and around and cannot find a reason, or a solution that resolves anything at all. It's a tired that is restless.
Running isn't the answer. Sleep isn't the answer. The answer is there though, right there. I can taste it, smell it, but it's around the corner, elusive like the stream of scent. Beyond me at the moment, but there. Much of my time is spent wondering where the solutions are. Much of my time is spent in prayer that I might be strong enough, patient enough, to live the questions until the answers form. Answers that will form in the shape of decisions.
Being without the answers, not making the decisions, is being without balance. And stumbling forward all the same.
5 comments:
im praying for you, alison. take some time for you. a hot bath goes a long way.
I'm going to go ahead and suggest that you not do that rope thing. That'd be a bad idea all the way around.
Just take one day at a time. Try not to worry about tomorrow until it arrives. And, listen to your friends when they tell you to take care of yourself.
NG - No worries. The only rope going around this neck is of braided silver and comes from a Tiffany's box.
I volunteered for a couple of years at a crisis intervention center hotline. The first thing the trainers taught us is that most people's darkest hours are born of fatigue. Bigger issues may be the cause of a person's stress, but most of us, if we're well-fed and rested, can deal with those issues.
Your other commenters are right, Alison. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself first.
Some day, dear, you will be amazed at the distance that you did stumble, but not fall. Trust me...
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